Our flower. She was here, growing in my womb, for only four and a half months. Twenty-one weeks to be exact. But she will live on in our hearts forever. Our 4th miracle of life...Levi 3, Nora 18 mo, a little one I lost at 8 weeks gestation, and now Kaydence 21 weeks gestation. Her presence was real, and she was already part of our family. She was the little sister to Levi and Nora that we were so happy to add. Kaydence will always be our flower...beautiful, miraculous, delicate, formed masterfully by our Father. But her time here was so short. As Isaiah 40:6-8 says
All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.
We will never understand why her time here with us was so short, but we cling tightly to the God who does know. It is a great comfort to me knowing that He was not surprised by this. He was masterfully forming her, knowing she would be gone before she could take a breath.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139:13-16
Even in her incomplete development and her sickness that took her life, He said "This is good." She is still a miracle. She just gets to be with Him before she walked a day here with us.
We were in Colorado skiing with Josh's family and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I asked Josh to pick up a pregnancy test while we were there and there it was....two lines. A baby. Kaydence Joy!(not knowing that would be her name yet) We were so excited!
I had lost a baby two months before and my prayer had been for another baby soon. Sooner than 9 months. I grew up hearing from my mom how she had a miscarriage right before she got pregnant with me. She always told me that as sad as it was to lose that one, it made her think that I wouldn't have been here if that one had survived. And God knew I was to be right there in our family. I always loved that story. I made me feel special. So when I miscarried in November I just thought "Ok God. Let there be another one that You know needs to be here in our family." In January we found out about Kaydence and I just thought she was going to be that baby. The one who needed to be here. And she did....just not quite in the way we had expected.
This picture above is my first 'pregnancy' picture at about 18 weeks. I didn't really look pregnant....just 15 pounds heavier. I wore just about only maternity clothes 12 weeks in vs my pregnancy with Levi where I waited until about 20+ weeks. I felt different than I did with Levi, but still pregnant. I ate nuts all the time, didn't really crave anything specific but I couldn't eat most sweet things without it making me nauseous. Just looking at some of my normal favorites(anything white chocolate or chips) made me cringe.
All of my doctor appointments went good and as expected until the 20 week ultrasound. We were so excited to find out if we were having a girl or boy!! That's all I could think about. God's gentle care and grace were speckled all throughout this journey. Here's a bit of that grace we saw as we look back: we debated on whether Josh's parents would come watch the kids for the day/appt or if we would let them just stay the weekend with them. I decided to just let them stay the weekend. Not knowing what was about to hit us, this was a huge huge blessing to us as we went reeling.
May 21st: They call us back and I lay down. All smiles. Trying to guess if its a boy or girl. The ultrasound tech placed the wand on my stomach and within about 5 seconds he looked at me and said, "I want to be real honest with you. Things look really bad." I remember my breath leaving me as I frantically searched his face waiting for his smile letting me know he was just joking. But it didn't come. He continued to move the wand over my stomach trying to explain what was so wrong. I caught "fluid everywhere, heart failure, abnormal growth" and those words no parent ever wants to hear, "not compatible with life." But all we saw was our baby. He quickly finished up and told us he'd get us right into a room to meet the doctor. Shock and disbelief is what I felt. I remembered trying to keep it together because I knew he would soon return and we'd have to enter the waiting room with all the other pregnant women. If I let the tears come heavy, I knew they wouldn't stop. He took us to a room as we waited for our doctor. I kept thinking and saying "No. I don't want this. I don't want to walk through this. This stinks! I want this baby. I don't want to say goodbye." Doctor Bradford came in and just hugged me. She has been unbelievably kind and empathetic this whole journey! I could not have asked for a better doctor!! God's grace! She told us she didn't know exactly what had gone wrong but it looked severe enough that nothing could be done to save her at this point. But she was still alive. We saw and heard that little heart beating ever so steady. But it was working far too hard and there was fluid built up around every organ and in the skin tissue. Like an old person in heart failure....just our tiny girl. There was a fluid filled sack(hygroma) growing off the back of her neck. It was functioning like a tumor, stealing all the fluid and nutrients from Kaydence's body. Her heart was being overworked trying to support it. Nothing at all was indicating why it was there and why it was large enough to take the life from our little girl. We could terminate her life knowing she wouldn't survive outside of the womb or we could take one day at a time....waiting for her heart to give out or her tumor-like thing to grow so large that it would be a danger to me. There was a possibility that she could live until full term. I remember thinking how hard and painful it would be to carry a baby for twenty more weeks knowing she would not live outside of me. But I knew my God already had ordained the exact moment she would go to be with Him and He would sustain me through the wait. The decision was not mine to make. Kaydence Joy's life was His from before we ever knew about her. He would do the calling.
We got to the car and the tears came... and came. Such sorrow. Painful sorrow. I called my mom and cried, "She's gonna die Mom!" And we cried together. It meant a lot to me that she would just cry with me.
Shortly after I asked others for their prayers on our behalf. We got home and I went into the closet, lay on the floor and just cried. I cried until there were no more tears in that moment and I cried out to God. As I lay there, I remember thinking as much as this hurt, I knew I would make it. I'd be ok. Not that it would be easy, not that it wouldn't hurt. I knew I'd never be the same....but I would come out on the other side. I fully believe God's grace meets you in suffering in a way you can't imagine outside of it. And it was there. His nearness. His presence. The hurt was physically and emotionally so real but His presence was real too.
I didn't want to talk to anyone, but reading the replies from our prayer requests were very comforting. Losing Kaydence was so much bigger than me. I was desperate for help. And knowing others were praying for us, cared for us and mourned with us meant so much!
The next day we went to see a specialist. I wanted to know everything I could about this 'thing' killing our daughter. And I really wanted to just see her again! I treasured that hour of getting to see her little body inside of me again. It was shocking to me that Kaydence could be so sick and yet look so normal on the screen. The specialist couldn't find anything that would cause this hygroma to be there and be so big. Hygromas are not uncommon but this large of one is very uncommon. The ultrasound also made it look like a growth was either circling Kaydence's neck or coming from her mouth because the doctor could never see Kaydence swallow. We walked away with the same grim prognosis...'not compatible with life.' They took a blood sample to run some tests to see if anything showed up genetically that would cause this hygroma and it would also tell us the gender. We didn't know yet because of all the fluid build-up in Kaydence's skin prevented them from making out the gender. We scheduled another appt in a month and my doctor would monitor me weekly. As we left she casually said, "Oh. Would you like these pictures?" (the ones above) I tearfully replied "Yes! She's still our baby!"
Desperate! That's what I felt. Desperate for the Lord! Not hopeless, not despairing....sad. So sad! Desperate for His nearness, His peace, His strength, His wisdom. I would wake in the morning to be with just my Lord. I began journaling everything I read or heard that brought hope as I began processing this great loss. My brother-in-law wrote this poem that fit exactly what I was feeling:
Death is never easy.
Even when you haven't met its life.
Growing inside you.
Inner you and its body in strife.
It's been all smiles and sweet.
Early timeline surpassed.
The fear had eased.
Until doctors tone die in cast.
Now is the hardest.
Still carrying its weight.
Could be now or all the way.
I ache for your wait.
Everything to question.
Even what to pray.
While it's here, still.
God! The only word to say.
Remember the promises.
Even we are temporary.
But Christ is forever.
The always contemporary.
One day Jesus will greet you.
Wrap his loving arms around.
Take you to his house.
Introduce you to your child, crowned.
by Marcus Briscoe
Music was so encouraging to me as well. It always made me bawl but was still encouraging....when no other words would come to my mind, songs of hope would fill my spirit.
Such as:
Not for a Moment sung by Meredith Andrews
I will Look Up
Sovereign Over Us sung by Aaron Keyes
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
Though You Slay Me sung by Shane and Shane
If You Want Me To sung by Ginny Owens
When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to
I also felt desperate for a name! We must name this sweet baby NOW if she will leave us soon. She needs a name! I thought for sure it was a boy and we narrowed the boy names down to Caleb. We had several names for a girl but couldn't decide. Names are always difficult to choose....it feels like such a huge, permanent thing. At first our goal was a name of great significance, but then I realized I just really wanted to like it a lot. I felt like no one really knew her but me. Josh would throw out great names and I would say "No. That isn't her." It just didn't feel right. We had our top contenders, Maggie and Kaydence. Kaydence is a musical term that means rhythm or beat. Josh had the final say and he said,"Let's do Kaydence because it seems fitting that all we really knew of her was her steady little heart beat we got to hear." And I've always loved the name Joy and my mother-in-law's middle name was Joy. So Kaydence Joy it was.
We got to the car and the tears came... and came. Such sorrow. Painful sorrow. I called my mom and cried, "She's gonna die Mom!" And we cried together. It meant a lot to me that she would just cry with me.
Shortly after I asked others for their prayers on our behalf. We got home and I went into the closet, lay on the floor and just cried. I cried until there were no more tears in that moment and I cried out to God. As I lay there, I remember thinking as much as this hurt, I knew I would make it. I'd be ok. Not that it would be easy, not that it wouldn't hurt. I knew I'd never be the same....but I would come out on the other side. I fully believe God's grace meets you in suffering in a way you can't imagine outside of it. And it was there. His nearness. His presence. The hurt was physically and emotionally so real but His presence was real too.
I didn't want to talk to anyone, but reading the replies from our prayer requests were very comforting. Losing Kaydence was so much bigger than me. I was desperate for help. And knowing others were praying for us, cared for us and mourned with us meant so much!
The next day we went to see a specialist. I wanted to know everything I could about this 'thing' killing our daughter. And I really wanted to just see her again! I treasured that hour of getting to see her little body inside of me again. It was shocking to me that Kaydence could be so sick and yet look so normal on the screen. The specialist couldn't find anything that would cause this hygroma to be there and be so big. Hygromas are not uncommon but this large of one is very uncommon. The ultrasound also made it look like a growth was either circling Kaydence's neck or coming from her mouth because the doctor could never see Kaydence swallow. We walked away with the same grim prognosis...'not compatible with life.' They took a blood sample to run some tests to see if anything showed up genetically that would cause this hygroma and it would also tell us the gender. We didn't know yet because of all the fluid build-up in Kaydence's skin prevented them from making out the gender. We scheduled another appt in a month and my doctor would monitor me weekly. As we left she casually said, "Oh. Would you like these pictures?" (the ones above) I tearfully replied "Yes! She's still our baby!"
Desperate! That's what I felt. Desperate for the Lord! Not hopeless, not despairing....sad. So sad! Desperate for His nearness, His peace, His strength, His wisdom. I would wake in the morning to be with just my Lord. I began journaling everything I read or heard that brought hope as I began processing this great loss. My brother-in-law wrote this poem that fit exactly what I was feeling:
Death is never easy.
Even when you haven't met its life.
Growing inside you.
Inner you and its body in strife.
It's been all smiles and sweet.
Early timeline surpassed.
The fear had eased.
Until doctors tone die in cast.
Now is the hardest.
Still carrying its weight.
Could be now or all the way.
I ache for your wait.
Everything to question.
Even what to pray.
While it's here, still.
God! The only word to say.
Remember the promises.
Even we are temporary.
But Christ is forever.
The always contemporary.
One day Jesus will greet you.
Wrap his loving arms around.
Take you to his house.
Introduce you to your child, crowned.
by Marcus Briscoe
Music was so encouraging to me as well. It always made me bawl but was still encouraging....when no other words would come to my mind, songs of hope would fill my spirit.
Such as:
Not for a Moment sung by Meredith Andrews
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Never Once sung by Matt RedmanAfter all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
I will Look Up
Sovereign Over Us sung by Aaron Keyes
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
Though You Slay Me sung by Shane and Shane
If You Want Me To sung by Ginny Owens
When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to
I also felt desperate for a name! We must name this sweet baby NOW if she will leave us soon. She needs a name! I thought for sure it was a boy and we narrowed the boy names down to Caleb. We had several names for a girl but couldn't decide. Names are always difficult to choose....it feels like such a huge, permanent thing. At first our goal was a name of great significance, but then I realized I just really wanted to like it a lot. I felt like no one really knew her but me. Josh would throw out great names and I would say "No. That isn't her." It just didn't feel right. We had our top contenders, Maggie and Kaydence. Kaydence is a musical term that means rhythm or beat. Josh had the final say and he said,"Let's do Kaydence because it seems fitting that all we really knew of her was her steady little heart beat we got to hear." And I've always loved the name Joy and my mother-in-law's middle name was Joy. So Kaydence Joy it was.
I began reading and preparing for her birth. There are lots of different opinions and ideas on how to handle this kind of event well. But what stood out to me was thinking through what I wanted, what would mean the most to me in the short time I had left with Kaydence in me and after we had her before the goodbyes. I wanted a blanket to wrap her in, a stuffed animal, and I wanted lots of pictures. I went to the store not knowing what I was looking for, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to pour. I felt so picky! This sweet girl of mine deserved the very best...but I didn't know what was the best. Every single decision I had to make nearly broke me....from picking out a blanket for Kaydence to choosing her tombstone. It felt so big! I felt so lost. The sweet store owner probably didn't know what to do with me as I explained what I was looking for. I finally decided on this blanket because it was just beautiful to me and reminded me of the beautiful and full life Kaydence gets to live in Heaven with Jesus.
May 28th: I went in a week later for just a check on my blood pressure and Kaydence's heartbeat. As I was waiting I received a phone call from the lab that ran my blood test to tell me Kaydence only had one x chromosome which told me she was a GIRL and that she had Turner's Syndrome. Children with Turner's Syndrome have a higher chance of developing these hygromas. Once again they usually weren't so big but it also gave a reason for why it had started forming in the first place. There is also no predisposition to having another child with Turners. It just happened. I'm so thankful I can fall back on the sovereignty of my mighty and good Father.
They call me back into a room and I discuss the phone call with Dr. Bradford. I was so relieved to have found out our baby was a girl at that moment. Another sign of God's grace. It was much quicker of a response from the labs than they expected. It was just perfect timing. I just needed to know. I layed back and she checked for a heart beat. None. She pulled in a monitor to look at Kaydence and make sure there was no more blood flow. None. I looked up, out the window, and I just visualized her little spirit going up to Jesus. I said, "She's gone. Bye baby girl." I was so sad but also relieved that she wasn't having to fight any longer to stay alive. We then scheduled my induction for the following Monday. I was relieved to spend a few more days with Kaydence in me, even though she was gone, I wasn't ready to let her out. I also knew we had so much to discuss and decide before then.
Josh was finally off work and took the reigns on decisions needing to be made. What a huge blessing he was and has been through this whole process. I felt numb, in a cloud, and unable to make any decisions. I did the basics and nothing else. Any decisions that needed to be made just threw me into a frenzy of emotion. Josh was such a support to me in this journey. I know he didn't feel the same as I did but he was there for me as I waded through.
We picked a funeral home, graveyard, and set a date and time to bury Kaydence. And prepared for Monday.
My mom came in town Saturday. She was a support I didn't even know I needed at the moment. We laughed, pretended to be 'normal,' and we talked and cried. Sunday night we prayed together. I knew so many were praying for us and those prayers were heard. One moment I'd feel strong and the next I would literally feel as though I COULD NOT DO the next step. All my ability to walk forward, to mentally cope was gone. Again and again, His promises of hope would leap off the pages of His Word and pour strength and peace into me. His mercies kept being new. His grace kept being sufficient.
"Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you." Psalm 63:3
"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32
This video was actually super awesome and encouraging to me during this time of not knowing why God was allowing this:
http://www.foreverymom.com/infertility-made-them-question-gods-goodness-the-way-he-answered-those-questions-will-give-you-full-body-shivers/#.VV60ReSsMSM.facebook
June 1st:We woke early to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. As we drove we prayed again. I knew this day would not be easy. Childbirth is rarely easy and then I knew my emotions and despair would try to overthrow me and I also wanted our goodbye to be perfect. No loose ends. No regrets.
As we get checked in everyone is kind, but looking at me like they know. Tiptoeing around me if you will. It stinks to be 'that' person. Side note: there have been times I desperately want people to tiptoe around me and remember what I have just been through. And that I'm basically not myself and my world has just been turned upside down. I feel slightly crazy half the time like my emotions are wild and just to appear 'normal' takes a lot of effort. But then on the other hand I want people to just be normal around me and not look at me with 'that' look. As time has gone on, I have decided the best thing a person can do is remember, keep praying and continue to ask. If I don't want to talk about it, I won't. But sometimes I want to...need to. And it's really hard to bring it up randomly because it just is. The book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith has been a great comfort to me in this whole process. She addresses the issue of how to help someone walking through loss: "Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is show up for the ride...make yourself present and invite yourself into the sorrow."
As we settle into our room and I get into the robe, I start to cry. I told Josh, "I don't want to be here. I don't want to go through this. I want it done." But my Lord is in the process....He was with me that day. The nurse starts my petocin and I wait. About three hours later with hardly any contractions they decide to try a different route. I wait in the room two more hours because my doctor wanted to be the one to place the suppository on my cervix to hopefully start contractions. I remember looking out the window at people walking around. I felt like I was in a bubble of waiting and sorrow. Life was going on around me and no one knew I was in that little room trying to deliver my dead baby. The nurse told me to prepare myself for what could be a long process. Because Kaydence wasn't full term the body sometimes holds on so tight, not wanting to let her go. It could take up to three days of contractions and new suppositories placed every four hours before my body/cervix released. This sounded like a form of hell to me to be honest. Even though my contractions might build, it didn't mean my cervix was expanding. The nurse said often it took many hours for the cervix to reach a 2 or 3 and then it would suddenly release and the baby would come out. She said it was often very shocking. And she was right! Three hours after the first suppository my contractions were painful enough to not be able to sleep or focus on something. As I watched the line on the screen barely go up and down I kept trying to tell myself to suck it up because I had a while to go and I didn't want to be paralyzed with an epidural for three days. Finally I called for my nurse for some pain meds. I stood up and within five minutes I was in so much pain I could hardly stand up. She finally convinces me to get an epidural. As that is being done the contractions are getting worse. I layed back in relief as it started working. Here is another grace in all this: My mom was just going to stay with the kids while I delivered Kaydence. But Josh's parents happened to be passing through town and offered to watch the kids so my mom could come up to the hospital. She arrived as I finished up the epidural and Josh went down stairs to bring her up. My nurse was about to leave as the new nurse was getting caught up on everything. I told them I felt something down there and they casually said it was probably just a little fluid. I kept feeling something so they finally checked "Oh. She's coming out NOW." The nurses flew around me making things happen fast. I call Josh and say "Get here NOW! She's coming out!!" And then she was here. No doctor. Three nurses. We were all shocked to say the least. They took her to a table to get her cleaned up(she was still in the sac) and tell me just to wait a minute for Dr. Bradford to get there and make sure everything was out. Apparently being so preterm the placenta can rip away and get stuck. Josh and my mom walk in and then Dr. Bradford shortly after. She said "Anja!" with a look of disbelief on her face. "This is what we wanted. This is what we prayed for!" I said "I know! Thank you Lord!" over and over. She checked me and said everything looked better than could have been expected.
May 28th: I went in a week later for just a check on my blood pressure and Kaydence's heartbeat. As I was waiting I received a phone call from the lab that ran my blood test to tell me Kaydence only had one x chromosome which told me she was a GIRL and that she had Turner's Syndrome. Children with Turner's Syndrome have a higher chance of developing these hygromas. Once again they usually weren't so big but it also gave a reason for why it had started forming in the first place. There is also no predisposition to having another child with Turners. It just happened. I'm so thankful I can fall back on the sovereignty of my mighty and good Father.
They call me back into a room and I discuss the phone call with Dr. Bradford. I was so relieved to have found out our baby was a girl at that moment. Another sign of God's grace. It was much quicker of a response from the labs than they expected. It was just perfect timing. I just needed to know. I layed back and she checked for a heart beat. None. She pulled in a monitor to look at Kaydence and make sure there was no more blood flow. None. I looked up, out the window, and I just visualized her little spirit going up to Jesus. I said, "She's gone. Bye baby girl." I was so sad but also relieved that she wasn't having to fight any longer to stay alive. We then scheduled my induction for the following Monday. I was relieved to spend a few more days with Kaydence in me, even though she was gone, I wasn't ready to let her out. I also knew we had so much to discuss and decide before then.
Josh was finally off work and took the reigns on decisions needing to be made. What a huge blessing he was and has been through this whole process. I felt numb, in a cloud, and unable to make any decisions. I did the basics and nothing else. Any decisions that needed to be made just threw me into a frenzy of emotion. Josh was such a support to me in this journey. I know he didn't feel the same as I did but he was there for me as I waded through.
We picked a funeral home, graveyard, and set a date and time to bury Kaydence. And prepared for Monday.
My mom came in town Saturday. She was a support I didn't even know I needed at the moment. We laughed, pretended to be 'normal,' and we talked and cried. Sunday night we prayed together. I knew so many were praying for us and those prayers were heard. One moment I'd feel strong and the next I would literally feel as though I COULD NOT DO the next step. All my ability to walk forward, to mentally cope was gone. Again and again, His promises of hope would leap off the pages of His Word and pour strength and peace into me. His mercies kept being new. His grace kept being sufficient.
"Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you." Psalm 63:3
"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32
This video was actually super awesome and encouraging to me during this time of not knowing why God was allowing this:
http://www.foreverymom.com/infertility-made-them-question-gods-goodness-the-way-he-answered-those-questions-will-give-you-full-body-shivers/#.VV60ReSsMSM.facebook
June 1st:We woke early to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. As we drove we prayed again. I knew this day would not be easy. Childbirth is rarely easy and then I knew my emotions and despair would try to overthrow me and I also wanted our goodbye to be perfect. No loose ends. No regrets.
As we get checked in everyone is kind, but looking at me like they know. Tiptoeing around me if you will. It stinks to be 'that' person. Side note: there have been times I desperately want people to tiptoe around me and remember what I have just been through. And that I'm basically not myself and my world has just been turned upside down. I feel slightly crazy half the time like my emotions are wild and just to appear 'normal' takes a lot of effort. But then on the other hand I want people to just be normal around me and not look at me with 'that' look. As time has gone on, I have decided the best thing a person can do is remember, keep praying and continue to ask. If I don't want to talk about it, I won't. But sometimes I want to...need to. And it's really hard to bring it up randomly because it just is. The book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith has been a great comfort to me in this whole process. She addresses the issue of how to help someone walking through loss: "Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is show up for the ride...make yourself present and invite yourself into the sorrow."
As we settle into our room and I get into the robe, I start to cry. I told Josh, "I don't want to be here. I don't want to go through this. I want it done." But my Lord is in the process....He was with me that day. The nurse starts my petocin and I wait. About three hours later with hardly any contractions they decide to try a different route. I wait in the room two more hours because my doctor wanted to be the one to place the suppository on my cervix to hopefully start contractions. I remember looking out the window at people walking around. I felt like I was in a bubble of waiting and sorrow. Life was going on around me and no one knew I was in that little room trying to deliver my dead baby. The nurse told me to prepare myself for what could be a long process. Because Kaydence wasn't full term the body sometimes holds on so tight, not wanting to let her go. It could take up to three days of contractions and new suppositories placed every four hours before my body/cervix released. This sounded like a form of hell to me to be honest. Even though my contractions might build, it didn't mean my cervix was expanding. The nurse said often it took many hours for the cervix to reach a 2 or 3 and then it would suddenly release and the baby would come out. She said it was often very shocking. And she was right! Three hours after the first suppository my contractions were painful enough to not be able to sleep or focus on something. As I watched the line on the screen barely go up and down I kept trying to tell myself to suck it up because I had a while to go and I didn't want to be paralyzed with an epidural for three days. Finally I called for my nurse for some pain meds. I stood up and within five minutes I was in so much pain I could hardly stand up. She finally convinces me to get an epidural. As that is being done the contractions are getting worse. I layed back in relief as it started working. Here is another grace in all this: My mom was just going to stay with the kids while I delivered Kaydence. But Josh's parents happened to be passing through town and offered to watch the kids so my mom could come up to the hospital. She arrived as I finished up the epidural and Josh went down stairs to bring her up. My nurse was about to leave as the new nurse was getting caught up on everything. I told them I felt something down there and they casually said it was probably just a little fluid. I kept feeling something so they finally checked "Oh. She's coming out NOW." The nurses flew around me making things happen fast. I call Josh and say "Get here NOW! She's coming out!!" And then she was here. No doctor. Three nurses. We were all shocked to say the least. They took her to a table to get her cleaned up(she was still in the sac) and tell me just to wait a minute for Dr. Bradford to get there and make sure everything was out. Apparently being so preterm the placenta can rip away and get stuck. Josh and my mom walk in and then Dr. Bradford shortly after. She said "Anja!" with a look of disbelief on her face. "This is what we wanted. This is what we prayed for!" I said "I know! Thank you Lord!" over and over. She checked me and said everything looked better than could have been expected.
And then they handed me my beautiful baby girl....Kaydence Joy. She was so beautiful!! I was so afraid that the growths and hygroma they saw in the ultrasound would be so horrific to see on her. But it wasn't! Thank You Lord. She was red and peely from being inside me several days after her heart had stopped, her skin was fluffy and jello-like because of the fluid build-up and hydrops. And her sweet head rested on what looked like a bubble of fluid coming out from the back of her head, which was the hygroma. But she was so beautiful to me! As tears streamed down my face I just marveled at her. She had the most perfect and precious lips I kept admiring. Her tiny, delicate hands and fingers....the tiniest feet I'd ever seen. I looked at her in awe of the miracle she still was. I held her and told her, "Hi baby girl! I'm your momma and so honored to hold you in my arms. I love you so much and will love you always. We will miss you terribly!!" Everyone but my mom and Josh left the room and let us have those first few moments together.
These were the first pictures we got together. I felt just like I did when I held Levi and Nora for the first time, but this time the joy of holding my precious child was mixed with such sorrow. I wanted to celebrate this moment. To capture it as I would with any other child. And so we did.
The nurses were absolutely phenomenal! Jill loved, cared, prepared and counseled me all day as we prepared for Kaydence's birth. Barb made every effort imaginable to make our last moments and memories with Kaydence perfect. She was measured, weighed, placed in outfits, pictured a gillion times. And it was no easy task but everyone made it happen.
The imprints of Kaydence's feet are in the pink heart. Josh and Barb tried to get her footprint in this sweet book they gave us. It was so very difficult for them because her little body was so tiny and soft. Women take donated wedding gowns and sew them into tiny dresses for stillborn babies. This beautiful dress was given to us but our sweet girl was too tiny to fit inside. I mentioned this book earlier, but it has been such an encouragement to me as I walk forward after death.
I am so glad that my tears came in spurts. It is just too heavy to cry all the time. And I want you to know there was laughter and even joy in those hours we had with Kaydence. I smiled and laughed as we photographed her sweet body. I laughed as Barb tried to delicately get a foot print or mold because her little body was just so soft at this point. And I knew we would have to let go at some point so I believe God was preparing me with the strength to do that.
We bought this for Kaydence not knowing if we'd put it in her casket or keep it. We have decided to keep it. I like seeing Levi and Nora play with it and telling them it was baby Kaydence's.
Sweet little hands.
When all the pictures were taken, memories made. It was time. I felt sure that I wanted to say good-bye before we went to sleep that night. They moved us to the recovery room and I told them to make the call to the funeral home. I held my sweet girl one last time. As tears fell I told her all the things I wanted to...knowing it would be the last time I'd hold her this side of heaven. But she was gone already and I knew that. Her body was just a shell. Her spirit was in the hands of Jesus already. So I let go. The man entered. I handed her sweet little body to him, all wrapped in a blanket. And he placed her in a black bag, zipped it up. And she was gone.
My mom kept Levi and Nora while we were in the hospital...and to be honest the week after. In a way, seeing and remembering Levi and Nora made losing Kaydence easier. I was so filled with gratitude that God had allowed me to be their momma even if I wouldn't be bringing home their sister. But for those first few days after finding out Kaydence wouldn't be joining us in the way we had planned, just thinking of my kids made me burst into tears. We had talked about their new sister a ton....so to tell them she wouldn't be coming home with us anymore just crushed me. And then once we came home from the hospital....again such gratitude and joy for their little lives but such sorrow that their sister wouldn't be joining us. I literally felt like I couldn't do basic things or thinking for that matter. I'd muster or more accurately God would give me the strength to do burial planning and that's about all I could handle that week.
Home from the hospital. Walking forward in my new normal. It looks the same but feels so different. Kaydence wasn't there anymore.
Recovering from childbirth felt so much more bitter without Kaydence in my arms. Even though my labor wasn't hard, I still had to physically recover. It took about a month for my milk to completely dry up. I bled for about 2 weeks. My back is still very sore from where they did the epidural and I had 15 pounds to try and get back off....all without a baby. Just harder to swallow at times.
Recovering from childbirth felt so much more bitter without Kaydence in my arms. Even though my labor wasn't hard, I still had to physically recover. It took about a month for my milk to completely dry up. I bled for about 2 weeks. My back is still very sore from where they did the epidural and I had 15 pounds to try and get back off....all without a baby. Just harder to swallow at times.
We set up the burial for Friday, June 5th. That gave us 3 days to plan a graveside service. In a way I wish I could have not cared about the details but I did. I so did! The casket, colors of her flowers, time of day, songs, scripture...oh....it was heavy. My dad, sister and niece came in town Thursday. Having family around me was a great distraction, comfort and support. It is hard to write what I felt....because it was so mixed. The load was so heavy, so hard to carry, but God....
He gave and continues to give hope.....hope in God's way being higher and better than my way.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Hope in His steadfast love for me...."He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32
Hope in knowing He is a good, good God.
"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands,
forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means
clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children
and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” Exodus 34:6-7
The graveside service was perfect. It was at 10:00 am but so hot already. I loved the casket, the colorful vibrancy of her flowers. We were surrounded by friends and family....and most importantly our pastor, Anthony Moore, spoke hope. Sorrow...yes! But hope in Christ! The music was exactly what we wanted, "Not for a Moment" and "Sovereign over us." And the Lord sustained me with the strength to walk through that day...that moment as only He can! Thank You Lord!
This boy. What a treasure he is to me! I hate that death has already been a reality for him. He's only three but his little mind is just trying to process death on such a deep level. Josh and I have always tried to be very honest with our kids....even when it comes to death. I pray we do not share what he cannot handle and that God guards his little heart and mind. He knew Kaydence was sick...specifically I said there was a sore on her neck that killed her. He watched us say goodbye and put her body in the ground. What a tough thing for a three year old to comprehend. We said it was only her body but that her little spirit was up in Heaven with Jesus now. He was holding her and taking care of her. We tell him God is good even though people die, even baby sisters. Even though we don't understand God's plan in all of this....all of life and death are in His hands.
Then the questions come later, at the most random times.
Then the questions come later, at the most random times.
- He asked who put the sore on Kaydence's neck that made her so sick? I told him I didn't know but God knew this would be when she would die. And Levi adamantly informed me that the giant squid from Octonauts put it there...the one with short tentacles. So...there ya go.
- We were walking into church one Sunday and we saw a tiny baby. He asked if it was baby Kaydence. I said "No baby. Remember baby Kaydence is not here with us anymore. She's with God in Heaven." And Levi replied, "But momma. Isn't she coming back? Just like Jesus came back after three days?" So then I try to explain that no, she is not coming back. But because Jesus did come back, He conquered death so we will see her again one day. Wowza...how can he possibly grasp this stuff without God just opening his little heart and mind?!
- One day as Levi looked at my tummy, he asked if there would be a new baby growing in there. I told him I didn't know but hoped so. He said, "Will this one die too mommy?" I said "I don't know baby. I hope not. Only God knows. And no matter what He has a good plan in it all." (I fight to believe this ya'll!)
- Just this week, over three months after Kaydence's burial, we were driving home from Target and Levi asked again, "So who put that sore on Kaydence's neck again?" I repeated "I'm not sure Levi. It was just too big for her." And he said, "But momma, God is so much bigger than her sore was." Yes my son, yes He is!
I wanted to watch the very final part. The dirt on her little casket. Over.
We had many friends and family over to the house afterwards. We felt so loved and honestly it was really just a nice distraction from the sadness of the morning.
The day after the funeral I had brunch with these sweet and dear friends of mine and my lovely sister. I cannot hardly put into words the way I felt this day. It was like the most giant load had been lifted off my shoulders! Like I had just ran and conquered the longest race of my life! I knew I'd still be dealing with grief but surviving the birth and burial of my daughter was HARD, but it was done. God, You get the glory for that!! We ate and drank the most delicious cup of coffee. We laughed and we talked. And it. was. good.
Later that same day we went swimming as a family. So so good for my heart!!
My children are truly one of the biggest blessings our Father could ever bestow on us. Beyond grateful for their little lives and that God allows me to be their momma.
Do you see this? The thrill, the joy, the love? There is joy even in the midst of death. I would be lying to say that the going forward part of this journey has been easy. In some ways it has felt even harder....it is ongoing, always there. Missing her. When I see families or pregnant women I always think of how close it would have been to when I was supposed to have Kaydence. And I say 'supposed to' but God has reminded me that October 7th was just the day the doctors gave me. He knew all along that would never be her due date; her time would come much sooner. That being said, please pray for me as that date approaches. My heart still aches for the daughter I thought would be joining us. I have to fight jealousy every day. I want a big family, with kids all close together. God knows, God is good, God has a plan for our family. It may not look like I had 'planned' but it will be good because we have a good God! I fight to believe this truth.
I was thinking how I would categorize or label this past year and my first thought was 'loss and grief.' But then I looked around me at so much good! I don't want to sum up a year of joys, laughter, blessing after blessing with just loss, even though that has definitely been a part of it. So in a sentence, this has been my year: "In tears, loss, joys and provision my God is good and faithful."
I was thinking how I would categorize or label this past year and my first thought was 'loss and grief.' But then I looked around me at so much good! I don't want to sum up a year of joys, laughter, blessing after blessing with just loss, even though that has definitely been a part of it. So in a sentence, this has been my year: "In tears, loss, joys and provision my God is good and faithful."
